I wake up again with this feeling of heaviness and danger and something is wrong. Like I’m about to perform a brain surgery and if I can’t do it, I’ll be killed. Of course I’m not a brain surgeon, that’s the fun part.
For days I’ve been trying to take my mind off it, listening to podcasts for hours, buying some books, watching videos on youtube, doing some of my chores too, but it all seems so pointless because the dark menace is still there.
It only occurs to me a few days later, or rather now I’m finally ready to look at what’s actually going on. Until then, I’ve watched a few more videos and bought a book, not without realizing the futility of these actions. Did it anyway.
Then at some point the time has come: I sit and feel. Feel into the body without labels and descriptions, just the sensations. There’s a pressure in my stomach and a weight on my chest. I also feel pressure where the feet touch the floor and where the body touches the chair. Is this pressure in the stomach particularly strong and uncomfortable? Like a headache?
No it’s not. So why is it a problem? While the pressure on the soles of the feet is not a problem?
Because I don’t think it should be like this.
Without that thought, it’s just pressure, here for today or forever, who knows.
Could it be that a large part of all the suffering stems from our ideas of how it should be?
Right now I see the burden that ideas of how it should be place on us.
Of course we didn’t consciously decide what we believe, it just happened, but now I can see for a moment that it’s not true in this particular case. Why shouldn’t that pressure be there?
This pressure is not a problem. It just is.